Teflon Slope

Like many of you, I have an email spam folder setup to catch all the flotsam and jetsam thrown at my inbox around the clock. It’s annoying since it’s just another inbox to check. You got your basic, “These seem OK or from familiar people” emails, and “questionable or unknown”. Usually, I just click on all of those and flush ‘em down the shitter daily (ah feels so good!).  Prior to the grand flush, I do a cursory speed-read of the headings and maybe the “from” fields. Recently I have spent an additional two seconds and actually viewed the content, and have discovered a new source of entertainment. The crazy thing is, people write this stuff in an attempt to get you to

A): Read it

B:) Buy penile or sex performance aids

You’d think that if an unknown email spammer wanted you to trust them with your credit card info, that proper spelling or grammar would be on top of the list.  This kills the chance of that ever happening right out of the gate. What married man hasn’t fantasized about taking the easy path to making love to their wives all night long as the former pre-marriage stud muffin from days of yore?

SHAKE HER GOOD AND ALL NIGHT LONG

…was in the subject line from Dr. Kenny Castro. Do the names “Kenny” and “Castro” ever appear anywhere together? Maybe he’s Fidel’s stateside nephew, taking a break from long days in the regime, attempting to help hermanos everywhere in the wife-pleasing department. I’m not sure, but can you shake anyone “good”? And how does “shake” equate to pleasure?  From Dr. Colin Eaton…

YOUR WIFE ARE GONNA BE ECSTATIC ABOUT THIS

Maybe this was intended for the discerning polygamist. Dr. Eaton, how can you be so sure “she are gonna be happy about this”? She’ll probably be pissed, since marital aids in pill form are always expensive according to your competitors. Too bad you didn’t pluralize “WIFE”, which is divinely mandated in the Mormon church. You could have easily turned on your spell and grammar checker and hit a home run right there Doc. Instead, I’m doubting your credibility.

Right behind Dr. Eaton’s failed proclamation, came the email from Dr. Rueben (closer to Castro) Barry, who did indeed pique my interest with the statement

YOU CAN SAVE AND MAKE YOUR WOMAN HAPPY

Knowing this was mathematically impossible on all levels, I read the body of the email. My hopes were instantly dashed once I read this:

thousand francs she obtained an interview with ferrand
Dear friend, do you still buy pills offline?
We deliver our products directly to the comfort of your home
You can save up to 95% buying from us . And you’ll become successful with women again!

How does one buy pills offline? Do they mean on foot? To make matters worse, they deliver not to my home, but rather to the comfort of it. There’s my home, and over there, is comfort. That’s where the pills will be going. Once they arrive, I will become successful with women, once again! What is their definition of success? Mine is making it to bed at night after a pleasant day, visions of fluffy bunnies and hot cocoa running through my dreams. Are there pills that will help men obtain this testosterone-depleted version of success with women? While all the problems of my life are being addressed all right in front of me, in one place, out of the blue comes the message from Jenilee Pisano:

I WANT YOU BACK

After all the years of living my life without Jenilee, she wants me back. Somehow she got my email address, and is letting me know there is

Excellent V I A G R A Today only For S.E.X. masters

Apparently this was intended for someone else. Jenilee you are a cruel bitch! Go destroy some other man’s life, this one’s happily married! And getting happier by the minute, because Dr. Andrew Bentley notified me that

OUR MEDS CAN MAKE YOU A HAPPY PERSON AGAIN

How, you ask? Because “maiden named rebecca and spurned by Rebecca”. That’s how. No more words after that sentence fragment, as none are needed. All I need to know is ” You save incredibly compared to offline pharmacies . And your wife will really appreciate this!” See Jenilee, I have a wife, and she appreciates the advice I’m taking from maiden Rebecca as referred by Dr. Bentley, so there!

At the bottom of this seemingly endless well of comedy gold I find this unique, one-of-kind command in the subject line from Marion King:

JOHN, BE A GOOD BOY AND TRIM YOUR PENIZ AND BALLS ALSO!

I don’t recall having any prior correspondence with Marion. Maybe he was attempting to get by the spam filter with his never-before-seen spelling of the male member, or he comes from Tunesia. Or is it Tunezia? Rife with Penezia? Marion’s personalized message reads as follows:

John!
Everybody accepts that you plane your johnny. Unreal, but do you think thats awesome and horny?
I have checked out your HDD..
I figured out few unclothed johnnys out there.. (insert baffling weblink here)

Do you reckon that’s sexy?

Marion King

Marion, the thought of “planing the johnny” is far from awesome. So you have “figured out a few unclothed johnnys”? Did you intend for this email to go out to cowboys?  Maybe you reckon they check email on their iPads when taking a break from cowboy tasks. I reckon they don’t think that’s sexy, unless they come from Brokeback Mountain.