Many of us breathe a sigh of relief once we make it through the month of December. Online shopping and mouse-clicking can be exhausting (to our bank accounts). Starting in January, we get a clean slate and some time to regain consciousness after receiving a Piledriver Hulk Hogan style. Sadly, for some of us this does not apply. Christmas is merely a ramp up and reminder that the bloodletting doesn’t stop just because we took ourselves out of the ring. Oh no, not by a long shot my dear Smedley. For many of us, gift giving is a NONSTOP HORROR RIDE on the FERRIS WHEEL of DEATH, with no breathers. This is multiplied exponentially if you have kids, in-laws, and extended families. You probably don’t know it, but you are indeed a professional wrestler. You have been cold cocked into submission. And you will obey. Let’s review, shall we?
The month of December starts with an Inverted Stomp Facebreaker, also known as a Pull Back Big Boot. A smorgasbord of delight for the recipients, and a dust-busting of your bank account. Some of the standouts would be Christmas, Hanukah, and the up-and-coming Kwanzaa catching up to the pack. Pity the poor bastard with a birthday in December, especially if it’s close to one of the above. You will get a cheesier (cheaper) gift on your birthday, unless your Santa has a bottomless bank account. Even if they don’t, mind-numbing TV commercials will hypnotize unwitting gift-givers into over extending their credit cards. You must have the latest Ipod/phone/pad. And a new car at 0% interest. Maybe a nice diamond ring, just because. New Year’s Eve is great, because you get to drink yourself into a temporarily happy stupor-having made it this far into the year and bidding adieu to Father Time. The New Year’s baby is still sleeping, shhh.
January sneaks up on us like a sunrise. Ahh, all good things ahead, a nice clean slate as a new dawn beckons. Not before your wife delivers a Clothesline. You thought she was just so happy to give you a big hug as she ran towards you. While lying on the floor looking up at the ceiling in a daze, you realize it’s her birthday. No, of course you didn’t forget, you were just going to surprise her with a super-thoughtful gift purchased with the money you will print shortly. The government’s presses are printing it so fast surely they won’t miss a couple of Benjamins that blew into your yard.
After getting up and dusting yourself off, February comes a-knockin’. The doorbell rings, you open the door, and surprise, you are greeted with a Double Face Breaker. That’s right, not one, but two knees to your face you somehow mistook for Valentine’s Day kisses. Why is your wife ringing the doorbell? Because you hid the house key from her, you evil curmudgeon. You will now have to buy a gift, candy, and even go out to dinner. You think (internally) next time you will buy her a new wall-mounted key rack.
Finally, March arrives! Clean sailing, smooth seas ahead! It gets windy this time of year but that’s a breeze compared to the Chokeslams you’ve been receiving. Look out, doh you’ve moved too slow as an Irish Whip (also known as the Hammer Throw) spins you into the St. Patty’s Day parade. Your wife doesn’t want to stay because there are too many drunks afoot, so you take her shopping as a consolation. That takes a while so you now have to eat out. Remember to pick up some takeout food for the kids on your way home.
April showers arrive. Even though your clothes are wet it’s easy-breezy as you hang them on the Clothesline you received in January. You haven’t been to a church since your last wedding, But the Easter Bunny has taken you by surprise again because it has morphed into a Leapfrog Body Guillotine. Tooth rot, diarrhea, and sugar rushes are delivered to the local and extended family kiddies in the form of Easter baskets. Your wife is on a diet, so she would rather have a new sweater. Dinner at a place that provides sensible food to follow.
May flowers arrive in the form of a Snapmare Neckbreaker, otherwise known as Mother’s Day. Your bank account doesn’t even attract dust mites, but you must now show appreciation to the mother you’ve been taking for granted all year. This would include a dinner, gift, and some flowers. The ones you bought for Easter are old news.
June is here and FINALLY, it’s your month, as we all know it’s time for Father’s Day! You thought it would be a lazy day in the hammock. You are served Long Island iced teas and take a snooze. You wake up with a bruised neck, however, because you were really taken down in a Sleeper hold! You will now work the grill and cook for the other fathers that show up at your house for the “Father’s Day Barbeque”. Now hurry up go buy the food!
Just when you thought it was safe to stick your head out of the foxhole and look around, a missile flies by your head. The Fourth of July arrives in the form of a Standing Moonsault. You thought you were going to watch the fireworks with the kiddies, but you realize they are teenagers now and don’t want to sit on dad’s shoulders anymore. They will, however, stand on your head as they step into the car you bought for them. Your wife doesn’t want to just hang with you alone, boring man, so you must seek out friends. This will take the form of an expensive dinner in the Hamptons.
Only four more months until the best holiday of the year arrives-Thanksgiving. That’s the one where you can just eat and drink and be thankful for the things you have in your life. Until then, it’s the summer’s end vacation in August masquerading as a Throat Thrust! Gack! Where will you go? Will the kids come? No. And you don’t tell them until you are leaving, so as to not allow them too much time to plan a Ferris Beuler’s Day Off week. They are teens, but your eager-to-please sister will gladly stay over while you are away, ordering twenty seven pay-per-view movies. A small price to pay in exchange for a standing house structure upon your return. This is in addition to dollars spent on the vacation, dollars that blew into your yard fresh from the government’s money press. Or was that monopoly money? I don’t remember. Hey, you went on vacation too so don’t complain.
Back to school! September arrives and you are gifted with less people in the house during the day. But not before you are dealt a Dragon Screw Legwhip, in the form of a school supplies shopping orgy at Staples. Three hundred and eight four dollars lighter, you feel woozy. This is not “gifts” however, and should not be misconstrued as such. You are expected to fork over the dough for a calculator that can help you kid figure out the circumference of the planet Nortron. You wouldn’t want the other kids to make fun of yours, would you? By the way, I have two of these very expensive calculators with very light usage, I’ll cut you a sweet deal on them.
October arrives and it’s time for more diarrhea, bloat, and sugar rushes. Easter is a hazy memory as sackfulls of candy are ingested in mass quantities. You are slipped a sneaky Spinebuster, however, as your synapses become confused. This is because the anti-depression meds don’t mix well with beer and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Maybe you should have eaten foil-wrapped chocolate skulls instead. December holiday commercials are running, and the stores are stocking Christmas lights. Still, your wife is in a festive mood and wants to go shopping for Halloween candy. You oblige, and let out your belt a notch while driving in the car.
November-sweet, sweet November! It’s finally here, as you run on the treadmill for all the days leading up to Thanksgiving. As you cool down from a run to a delightful walking pace, you get off and bend down to untie your sneaker. As you attempt to get up, you come face to face with a Shining Wizard. It’s not an ornament for the Christmas tree, as a run in with the Shining Wizard usually results extreme pain or sudden death. For now, it takes on the form of hosting and paying for Thanksgiving dinner, with Aunt Mona’s birthday thrown in to round out a despicable combo-holiday. No problem for you, as the massive dose of tryptophan that was embedded in all the turkey you ingested is taking effect. You have wisely tattooed “please wake me on December 31” on your eyelids.